The Hole

It is funny. The older you get the more dug up in a hole you are. Your life is stereotypical and your pattern predictable. It actually stinks. For a person who is struggling hard in life, you feel like throwing it all away, feel like showing the middle finger and walking into your own world. One is bound by so much of bull shit that it is sickening. Lets face it, most of us are stuck in some good damn mode if life and we dont even have the answers. I sit back and rack my brains and wonder what i did wrong and then i realize that i did a lot of things wrong. Didnt educate myself in the true sense when i had to and then got caught up with my very own devils. I am a bitter man for the time being. I will feel better in an hour or sometime tomorrow. It is all about emotions. Your reaction to emotions takes you through the next path in life. In this fast paced world that we are, choices seem to be of ultimate importance. Choices to acheive harmony within one self and with the damn world. I wish we were animals and not so high up the food chain where social norms have to fulfilled for us to feel complete. I wish that we sometimes did not have a reason to acheive materialistically or more so did not ever have to have the feeling to do so. This whole rotten systems stinks like a shit hole on fire. I am spewing venom right now and am rightfully doing so. Why the hell should i be the nice guy who is trying to make the world look at me like i am a baby born in milk and draped in sateen sheets from head to toe. I want to be free. I want to be free of this bullshit that involves living life the way everyone does. Man made rules and man made everthing under the god damn sun. As i keep writing this piece, the rational optimistic side of me is slowly resurfacing and my bitterness seems to be disappearing. I am a weak idiot stuck in a world where my main aim is to struggle and be a whore to destiny, fate and of couse people and their evil demands. I abhor what i feel right now.
I feel that one of the main reasons i hate the system is that i havent succeeded in this damn system. I wish i could learn to play life and take it exactly where i want to be. I am mediocre in my efforts . Enough of this shit for the night. Things will probably change and i will probably have better things to talk about.
The paradox of the situation is that one of the main reasons for my unhappiness is my lack of success vis a vie moolah. I want to have god damn money and i want to do well. I want to enough money to be satisfied. They say it is never enough, but screw them. I know what is enough for me and i want that for myself. I abhor this system anyways. All i am asking for is to atleast get what i deserve.

Exhausted but alert

It is funny how things feel when you have a good run physically. When you have an hour of solid soccer it helps even though you might suck at it. I havent played soccer in about 15 years and i played twice in the past two weeks. I know i suck. I play with a bunch of fanatic european guys who feel it is their birth right to play soccer and that too well. They take to it like fish to water. Any Indian would feel the same way about cricket. I wish cricket was as easily accesible. I am too tired to even think right now. I am sure that tomorrow my groin muscle will scream in agony and i wont have enough strength to make a move with my right leg. Price you pay for years and years of dormant and lazy behavior. It is good to push the physical strength to the limits. Gives you a feeling of euphoria. I am blabbering like an old woman on drugs. Random thoughts of a random mind.

Keep the earth clean, it is not uranus

I saw that on the back of a car. I found it damn funny. Sometimes, little things make you laugh. I have been working out for the past week and i seem to be in high spirits without the aid of spirits. It is a good feeling. Now maintaining consistency is most important. As other things in life, sticking on to something long enough so that it makes a difference - i have a problem doing that and as a result = mediocrity. Wonder how many of us on this earth fight the same battles. I feel great physically and mentally right now and am even singing.It is a good feeling. Hopefully, i will learn to stick to it long enough and be smart enough to keep working out . Sometimes, good things are difficult things. It isnt that bad anyways. I managed to go to the gym, cook and do my laundry in the space of 4 hours after work. Things are possible. We all have this mental block about not being able to do everything that we want. I would safely guess that it is lack of trying. I feel like a person who is writing a book on self acheivement. I am not. I am just feeling good about the fact that i did everything i did in four hours. If i was told in advance that i had to do all these things in that frame of time, i am a million percent sure that i would have backed out. You learn something every day. There are no rules to life. There are only your own rules. Humanity, please use your sound judgement and the goodness that is innately present in all to do the right thing.

Life

when i was doing my masters it was easy to be a part of the system that understood, empathized and felt the pain of the world. The longer i stay in the business world, the more i realize that my world is getting smaller and so is my thought process. I have no feel or touch for the atrocities that the world is being subjected to. My rational side doesnt seem to exist as strongly as it used to . My critical side loses more and more of its conviction and here i am lost in the ocean of self betterment materialistically with no inclination to give something concrete back to this world that we live in. I am lost and i am hollow. This was not what i wanted to be and this is exactly where i am. It is time to open the mind, be less cynical, be more trusting and try to make a difference. Rather than giving something back to the world being the problem, i have lost the ability to feel. Compassion was something i took for granted in my earlier years and something i have drastically lost over the years. Is it me or is it the world? I feel it is a bit of both. A lot can be achieved with compassion, inclination and passion and when one loses it along the hustle and bustle of life it becomes a stoical process, this life. It is good to feel pain and it is good to feel happy. The emotions help us connect reality. We need to fit the label as Homo Sapiens. We need to think, do the right thing and inculcate compassion, inclination and passion in our lives. We will be better people. We will be better human beings. I urge humanity to live life in the same manner and keep things in the balance. We are slowly but surely losing the very essence of a decent life. The fabric of society seems to be decaying and all we do is sit and watch and also sometimes join. Moderation is the need of the day. Moderation is the need of the time. It is the need of the youth and has to be practiced.

Christopher Reeve

Some random thoughts on a great man. A great advocate for a just cause and a cause which he fully knew wouldnt benefit him but the generations to come. People like him epitomize sacrifice for a cause. He will rest in peace and in the heavens he will fly satisfied. In this great machine of life, people come and go like specks of dust and they seldom create a place for themselves in history. A place full of good, kindness, strength, conviction and giving. All through our lives we look upto a few people because of the way they conduct themselves in adversity and during calm tides. This man was one who stood tall and strong all the way through. Hats off to him for bringing in awareness to the world regarding paralysis. He tried his level best to push research on the same and never gave up. The soul is gone but the legacy will stay. The soul has gone to a better place where equilibrium between the good and the better exist.